Miles and Jo by Jo Gelbard

Author:Jo Gelbard [Gelbard, Jo]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Published: 2012-11-25T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 14

As Austin prepared for his Bar Mitzvah, I questioned whether David and I would still be living together by the time it came around in January of 1990. We never discussed separating, but it seemed clear it was on both of our minds. We didn’t argue; neither David nor I were aggressive. It was if we were waiting for some unseen event that would make everything all right. I was still hopeful, even if my actions reflected more of a destructive impulse than a healing one.

David tolerated my long distance collaborations with Miles, but became increasingly agitated each time he noticed me mailing one off. Years of his indifference were like a virus that left me indifferent as well. My lies concealed the extent of my involvement with Miles and David assumed that we were just sending art back and forth through the mail. There was a total lack of communication between David and me, and beyond making superficial conversation; we really didn’t have much to say to each other. We ran a home, ate dinner, went out a few nights a week, and hoped that we’d somehow manage to continue on an even keel. David refused to discuss and work on the issues that were leading me away from him, and I inherently knew that I could either conform to his vision of our life together or leave.

“I have no complaints with our life,” he’d say. “You’re the one who’s depressed, so it’s up to you to fix it. You have everything anyone could want. Figure it out. See a shrink. I work hard all day, so you have all the time in the world to find out what’s wrong with you.”

How could I explain feeling alone to someone who preferred distance? How could I define more to a man who viewed emotion as weakness and passion as a lack of control?

Looking back, I think a meaningless sexual liaison would have been less destructive than what I was doing. A sex act can be over in a few minutes, leaving behind little more than a feeling of degradation. I never felt any shame about loving Miles. He and I were each other’s life support. He understood that elevating another person brought him to higher creative potential. Empowerment was his adrenalin. He knew bouncing off of another person could reward him with new ideas and sounds. He was not only generous with his possessions but with his power and imagination as well.

But I wasn’t ready to leave David—or the security of my life with him.

I’d become a good liar because I’d become adept at lying to myself. I fooled myself into believing that I could leave Miles. And in order to mitigate the alienation I felt with David, I attempted to return to the girl I was at eighteen, conjuring up visions of David’s beautiful face the night I fell in love with him and summoning that fantasy of deep soulful connection. My determination to not allow those feelings

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